Second installment.

Hi again!

So, the first episode of the Mimi Fox saga was a little rough, I know. Sometimes someones truth isn't easy to stomach. For instance, it is 4:00 here in NY and I haven't been to bed yet. I suffer from insomnia...not sure where it comes from exactly but I have some ideas. Side note, I don't have a medical diagnosis of insomnia but it seems more clear than not. I do know I have really awful night time anxiety. Here is an example for you. I bought a Luminess Air airbrush make up system and I was googling possible allergic reactions because the blush tends to burn my cheeks when I put it on but then goes away. Well in googling that I found TONS of terrifying complaints about the company... I was actually feeling tired until I saw all of that and now my head in spinning and my worry meter is through the roof. So what better way to channel that worry then to blog about it, right?

OK, let's talk anxiety. I am a very outgoing person. Almost to a fault. Its great for customer service and retail or restaurant work. However, it can be difficult in say, the dating world or social settings. An outgoing personality can't tend to lead people to think you are hitting on them or other such things along those lines. Nope, just being me. If I'm hitting on you, its a lot more forward. :) I can be so confident at times. I used to be a lot more confident before I gained weight in my 30s. THAT has taken a huge toll on me but something I always knew I may have to face at some point in life and here I am. Im constantly trying to find better ways to dress this body that even after 4 years, still feels so foreign to me. I was always under 100lbs until I hit 30 and now I'm 34. I will be 35 this year and have hope I will find some sort of agreement and understanding  with my body that I am completely happy with. Weight aside, most of my anxiety and discomfort come from these random flood gates of thoughts that love to open up when I'm trying to fall asleep. I have tried every sleep aid under the sun. Homeopathic, prescribed, recreational...nothing works for more than a few nights IF that. My mental game is too strong for that shit. It's just strong in the wrong ways at the wrong times sometimes. Night time being the WORST. What I was trying to say is that sometimes even with an outgoing personality and loaded with hope...anxiety can still cripple a person. I try to remind myself that there is so much I can't change or control and that is OK or that I can't do anything about it at 4 am so rest and take care of the issue during business hours. For some reason it hasn't been quelling me at all the last year or so. The last few months have really been the worst. My sig other goes to work at 5:30am and for the last month, esp since I lost my job (Which doesn't help anxiety at all) I have been up all night while he sleeps and then I fall asleep after he leaves between 6-7am and then I sleep till he gets home around 3pm. My whole sleep cycle is fucked. I'm at the point now where if someone suggests getting an overnight job again because I am "up anyway", I'm going to scream. I do not like this sleep cycle and working over nights will not fix my issues. It will mean time away from my sig other which is not what I want at all. As of right now, getting this all out is helping so I will stop here and see if i can pass out. Wish me luck!

Xoxo,
 Mimi Fox.

Introduction in 2019

Im starting over.

It's been years since I have logged in to this blog and I'm ready. I have thought about coming back to this far too many times and this time, I'm ready. Im so ready I'm bursting out of my own skin. Maybe not the best visual? Lol. I think you all get it. Today is the day I decided to sit down after some food and dive in. So now what? Where do I start? What do I start to talk about without losing people this far in? All of this is just part of the process and the journey I would think. Maybe we start there, the journey. (This may seem tough to read. Even re reading it myself it feels pretty dark. I can't apologize for what I deal with being myself. I can tell you if you keep following me, you will learn about me and I'm not all grim.)

I have Fibromyalgia. Ya know, that thing that most people think is just what a Doctor diagnoses you with when they can't figure out what is wrong with you. Or maybe you have never heard of it. Well unfortunately that's the process of diagnosis, elimination. They ("they" as in, any number of doctors, patients, etc) say there is no blood test for it and then someone supposedly created a blood test that is not covered by health insurance and costs over $500 last I knew. Def out of my budget and most everyone else I know. Moving on, I started having testing done in 2008 and it took me until about 2014 to get the final diagnosis. Most sites describe fibro as chronic wide spread pain. Its causes have many theories and honestly each one of us with this illness are so different from the next. Sure some things are common between us and that is how we tend to bond when we meet others with fibro and connect. We start comparing symptoms and share treatments with each other but each person is still effected differently. Some of the worst parts about this illness is that it comes with so many other issues you don't normally find in articles when you google it unless you are looking for them. For instance, sleep issues like insomnia and sleep disturbances and issues with getting good, healing sleep. Another is brain fog that can make concentration and focus nearly impossible at times.  Then there are memory issues where you can't remember a conversation you had yesterday or what you were just doing or what you just said. Next could be days when walking seems like the hardest task and you feel like you have Mono or a flu because your body aches so bad out of no where. That can happen on any day at any point during the day. I personally love the days when I'm trying to wash my face or itch my skin and it feels like I just scraped my body with heavy grit sandpaper. I'm completely kidding about it being my fave... its horrible. From time to time I get messages from friends saying "I just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I was wondering if i could ask you some questions?" Usually that first question is something along the lines of "What can i do to feel better? What works for you?" Let me stop here for a short min and say, everyone is different. Some people have things that work for them. There are books that talk about recovery and how they got rid of their fibro and endless treatments and so called miracle cures. I have not had that experience and while I'm open to suggestions, i find that when people say they have been cured or found something like a cure i stress EACH PERSON IS DIFFERENT. While we have basically the same wiring and parts physiologically, our bodies are very different chemically and DNA and so many other factors which means this particular illness really does effect us differently and uniquely. Moving on...it sucks...its horrible, it changes your life and from my perspective there is no up side. You have a good day for whatever reason and you almost can't enjoy it because you know a crappy day isn't far behind. Again, MY experience. Let's move on.

I recently lost my job of two years. Even having a job that long was a success in itself. My track record isn't that good and I attribute that to a bunch of things. What it really boils down to is that I intensely value my time on earth aka being alive. I don't believe that things like money, jobs, laundry, dishes, showing up to a gathering you really don't want to go to, etc, should be things we are forced into dealing with. This is a whole other topic I can talk about in another episode and trust me, it's a topic many of you have opinions on I'm sure so I will only touch on it for now. I just have different things that I value like, memories and experiences and who and what I surround myself with. I just want to be happy without the confines of someone else's rules and bullshit. This does not apply to having a significant other. I believe you have to honor each in that respect. One of the best things I have ever seen is a TED talk by Sarah Knight entitled "The Magic of Not Giving a F***" This blew my mind. Its a great example of what I'm talking about, not to mention hilarious and cheeky. Give it a watch. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwRzjFQa_Og Sarah basically explains how doing things that make you happy does not mean you are an asshole. It doesn't mean you don't care about others, its just means you can still be happy and a good person and not get sucked into things that don't serve you.

Today we end on that note. Watch the video and stay tuned...

Xoxo,
Ms. Mimi Fox